Someone patient... ( I've written a book!, it's a really long blog post.)

What  a great God we serve.

This past week of my life has been really wonderful and such a blessing to me. I can't even begin to fathom how good God has been to me.

It all started last Sunday when I was battling my faith and beliefs. I started to doubt God a lot and believe that He was not real. Like what other non-christian people were telling me. It's quite sad now that I think about it. And all of that doubting had to begin somewhere. Somewhere known as the year 2013 to 2014. Those two years were one of the hardest years in my 17 years of living. I had to face some hardships and those hardships caused my faith and trust in God to dwindle. It was a life of staying up all night on a school night thinking about my life and why what was happening was happening to me. I wondered if God was just causing all the pain I was enduring emotionally and mentally. I ended up blaming Him for everything.


I stopped reading the Bible and started following the worlds way of doing things. I was opening the door for Satan to come and invade my life. Even praying was hard for me to do. I thought of praying, but my mouth couldn't move when I wanted to. I was stuck in the misery of my own self. I was battling things no one knew about, but of course God did. But He was the one person that could help me that I shut out. I shut God out for a really long time. Though I didn't do much to nothing ( I was busy thinking that life was not worth fighting for). And thinking of leaving God gave Satan a wide door to my heart and mind. Which was a terribly bad thing.


I thought of going to one of my family members, but even they were battling demons of their own. And plus, our family life was another story. We were far from perfect, just like any other families. We had a different standpoint when it came to religion. We were not on the same page. Still are not, but only God can fix that problem.

At this point I had given up trying in life. I started to become really lazy about everything, from school work, to chores, to everything. It was really bad. At the back of my mind I knew that all of this was not God's fault, but I was not ready to accept that. I thought it was too risky. Why? I don't know. So I continued my life that way until the spring of 2014 when I came upon a bunch of blogs online. Blogs that were written by young girls my age. Blogs that glorified God. For some reason that really excited me and I started to read them at school and anytime that I could. They were Just simple blogs that recommended Christian books and the struggles girls face and things as such. One really helpful blog was called maidens of worth. 

It helped me so much that I started to regret the way I lived. I then knew that I had to make big changes in my life. And I did, but those changes lasted for 2 months. School had come to an end and summer had began. But I again went back to my old ways that summer. It was not as bad as before but it was still bad, considering I was neglecting God. And that was a really bad idea, because I knew what I needed to do but it was like I was caged and couldn't move if I wanted to. Nothing made me happy, not even worldly ways. I swam in depression. I was gripped tightly by my own negative thoughts I didn't know how to escape. So I accepted that and thought their was no point in living life. For after all, life was only miserable. 

The whole summer passed with me wanting to go back to God but having little strength to. I now know that Satan was holding me back and I let him. So I tried being happy in front of everyone, but inside I was fighting my own self. Nothing could make me happy. I was completely and utterly miserable. It felt like I was being held tightly in a dark place, screaming but no one could hear me. I lived this way until school opened again in the fall of 2014. 

I went back to God again and started doing my devotions every morning. Not missing a single day. But I saw no change in my life so I went to worldly amusements again. And the routine started again and again. Going back to God when I wanted to and quitting when I saw no change or that spark that people say they have when they know God dearly. Things got bad in family matters and that just made me feel worse. That just pushed me to the limit of abandoning my Bible for awhile. A long 2 and a half months. I made friends I shouldn't have associated myself with in school and I talked like how a Christian shouldn't. But mind you this I knew I was hurting God but I didn't care. I thought that as long as I didn't deny him verbally I was good. I thought that as long as I didn't do that I was still a good person and I could go back to Him whenever I pleased.

How wrong was I now that I think back. I might have not denied God verbally but I was denying him inwardly and with my actions in every way possible. To think I could have been happier without God was a really big mistake I regret to this day. 

It was around the end of November 2014 that I told myself I will change before the new year commences. I got rid of all worldly things I had, even my friendship ( that was hard to let go, I don't exactly like hurting peoples feelings). And by all I mean ALL. And that made me more prone to temptation. But I din't give in for awhile, but then I did give in one day. And that was when I was tired of the routine of going back to God and then leaving Him. I was tired, period! 

So I thought, read,  and watched sermons and one specific one that was preached by brother Lemon caught my attention. If I remember correctly he had said that people keep coming to God expecting a tremendous change when they are still holding on to their worldly ways. One day they would devote their life to God, and the next day it will be to the world. That statement changed everything, because that was exactly me! I was the person with that routine of loving and not loving. And now I see why I was so miserable. It was either give all to God and being content or loving the world and being Sad. I obviously chose God. 

I am the kind of person that if I'm not fully focusing on God, I leave Him wholly. Because, why love the world and love God at the same time? It doesn't work that way. You either give Him your whole or nothing. It might be hard to let go, but it's completely worth it, I promise. It wasn't only brother lemon--with the help of God that changed me. It was me spending a night where I sobbed and screamed and asked God why? It was me fasting and crying to him to please help me learn how to give him all and be happy and content doing so. I spent days being tempted to the point of just crying and feeling miserable. But the next morning I would wake up and feel really proud of myself for not becoming a slave to a temptation. It's a wonderful feeling. 

I've recently loved this two song so MUCH!! 

I want you all to know that you are not alone. Someday you will come to that time when you sob and spend nights praying with no sleep at all. Those nights when all you do is ask God and cry for having done so much to Him. Those nights where you let go and give Him your all. Those nights when you promise and actually keep that promise. Those nights when you let go of all your worldly ways, and want to be as perfect as His son Jesus was. Those nights when you finally detest everything the world has to offer, but thirst and hunger for everything God has to offer in this world. That's when you will be changed. You will be changed when your heart and mind wants all that God has to offer. You will be changed if you keep up that one routine of loving God and God only. And then you will learn to yearn to please and do his work at all times. You're hearing this from someone who has gone through this. It's all worth it. Everything else will fall to place once you give God everything. 

Faith and works go hand in hand. Don't listen to anyone that says all you need is faith and God's grace. What about the works? Jesus did the work and showed us that it's possible. So why can't we? 

Though the road might be bumpy in this journey. The reward is perfect. Just keep pleasing God no matter the rain or the sunshine. 
Be the one that God says to on that precious day "Well done good and faithful servant." You have got to be faithful just as He is to us. Don't forget!


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I hope this post has been a tremendous blessing to you all. Just a little insight on what I've been going through and that I've not always been the perfect Christian. And I'm still not. But I strive to be just that with God's help. 


Blessings, 
Your sister in Christ,
Zipporah.